Please, Thank You, Sorry: How to Teach a Toddler Polite English (Ages 1–5)

Your child asks for milk. In Ukrainian, at home, it sounds perfectly fine: «Дай молока, будь ласка». Then, trying to be good, she says it in English at nursery: "Give me milk, please."

She said please. She did everything right. And still, to an English-speaking adult, it can land a little more like an order than a request.

This is the part of politeness nobody explains to Ukrainian-speaking families, and it is why so many parents feel that "please" and "thank you" are not quite working in English, even when the child uses them. The words are only half of politeness. In English, the other half lives in the shape of the sentence — and that shape is different from Ukrainian.

This guide covers all four politeness jobs a young child needs in English — asking, thanking, apologising and interrupting — with the exact phrases to use, what to expect at each age, what the research says about prompting and forced apologies, and a four-week plan built around the routines you already have.

Why "Give me, please" can sound demanding in English

Languages do not all make polite requests the same way. A useful piece of evidence comes from Eva Ogiermann, who compared how speakers of English, German, Polish and Russian make requests in the same everyday situation, published in the Journal of Politeness Research in 2009. English and German speakers most often used conventionally indirect requests — the "Could you…?", "Can I have…?" type. Polish and Russian speakers more often used direct requests built on the imperative, and did not treat that directness as impolite.

Ukrainian was not part of that study, so treat the comparison with care. But anyone who speaks Ukrainian will recognise the pattern: «Дай, будь ласка», «Передай сіль», «Почекай хвилинку» are ordinary, friendly and perfectly polite at home. Ukrainian has indirect forms too — «Можна мені…?» — but the imperative with будь ласка carries no rudeness.

When a child translates that pattern word for word, English hears something slightly different:

Nobody expects a two-year-old to produce "Could I possibly have…". And an English-speaking adult will forgive a toddler almost anything. The point is not to make your child anxious about sounding rude. The point is that if you give your child one question-shaped request frame early, the problem is much less likely to take hold — and "Can I have…?" is a frame your child will use for years.

Politeness words are learned differently from other words

Most language is learned by working out what words mean. Politeness routines are unusual: children often say them correctly long before they understand why.

Jean Berko Gleason and Sandra Weintraub made this point in a classic 1976 study in Language in Society. They studied the "Trick or treat" routine in 115 children aged 2 to 16 and described routines like "bye-bye", "thank you" and "trick or treat" as a distinct part of language development. Parents rarely teach grammar directly — but they do explicitly teach routines: "Say thank you." "What do you say?" "Say bye-bye to Grandma." Children produce the correct phrase first and learn its social meaning later.

That has two practical consequences for you:

• It is fine to hand your child the exact words. "Say: thank you" is not bad parenting; it is how routines have always been passed on. Politeness is the one area where direct teaching of a phrase is natural.
• Understanding comes from the situation, not an explanation. You do not need to explain why we say thank you. The child learns what it means by hearing it at exactly the right moment, hundreds of times.

For a family learning English at home, this is good news. Politeness phrases are short, fixed and high-frequency — exactly the kind of chunks young children absorb readily, as with the everyday parent phrases they hear all day.

The four politeness jobs, and where Ukrainian differs

It helps to think of politeness not as a list of words but as four jobs a child needs to do.

The second row surprises many parents. When you hand your child something and say "Thank you!", and they reply "Please!", they are not confused. They are translating будь ласка perfectly — it is simply one Ukrainian word doing two English jobs. The fix is to model the pair: "Thank you!" — "You're welcome!"

What to expect at 1–2, 2–3, 3–4 and 4–5

Politeness grows with language and with social understanding. Treat these as rough landscapes, not deadlines.

A child building two languages may use politeness words fluently in one before the other. That is normal. And a tired, hungry or overwhelmed child of any age forgets their manners — adults do too.

The request ladder: from "Milk!" to "Can I have some milk, please?"

This is the core framework. Instead of correcting a demand, you help your child climb one rung at a time. Each rung is a complete, successful request — your child is never "wrong", just ready for the next step.

1. Rung 1 — the word. "Milk!" At 18 months this is a triumph. Respond warmly and add the next rung: "Milk, please! Here you are."
2. Rung 2 — word plus please. "Milk, please." Give it happily, then model one step higher as you pour: "Can I have some milk, please? Yes, you can!"
3. Rung 3 — the frame. "Can I have milk, please?" The article and the "some" come later. The shape of the question is what matters.
4. Rung 4 — the frame for other things. "Can I have the blue one?" "Can I go outside?" "Can you help me, please?" Once the frame works for milk, it works for everything.

If your child is not yet combining two words in English, rung 2 is the natural starting point — see putting two English words together. And "Can I…?" is a question, so it fits neatly alongside teaching a toddler to ask questions in English.

How to model politeness so it sticks

Children copy the politeness they receive far more than the politeness they are told about. Four habits make a real difference.

• Say please and thank you to your child. "Can you give me the spoon, please? Thank you!" A child who is always asked politely learns that this is simply how people speak to each other.
• Narrate the exchange. When you hand something over: "Here you are." When your child hands something to you: "Thank you!" Then answer your own thanks: "You're welcome!" All three turns, every time.
• Model with other adults in English. Ask your partner, a shop assistant or a waiter in English where you can: "Can I have a coffee, please? Thank you so much." Children notice how adults speak to other adults.
• Apologise to your child. "Oops, sorry! I bumped your tower. Let's fix it." A parent who says sorry teaches more about apology than any instruction.

These habits slot straight into the daily English rituals — breakfast, getting dressed, bath and bedtime are full of handing, asking and thanking.

Should you ask "What's the magic word?"

Parents are often told never to prompt. The research on routines suggests a more balanced answer: prompting is normal, and it is part of how routines have always been learned. What matters is how you prompt.

The gentle echo — you hear "Milk!" and say "Milk, please!" as you pour — usually works well as a prompt, because it gives the word without turning the moment into a test. The food-words guide covers this echo at the table in more detail. The same principle applies to grammar: a warm recast works better than a correction, as explained in should you correct your child's English mistakes.

Sorry: prompting versus forcing

"Say sorry!" is a sentence every parent knows, in any language. Research by Craig Smith, Paul Harris and colleagues offers useful guidance.

Apologies genuinely matter to young children. In a study with 4- to 7-year-olds, children were told another child had sent them stickers in an envelope that later turned out to be empty. Children who then received an apology said they felt better and judged the other child as nicer than children who received none.

A 2018 study in Merrill-Palmer Quarterly, led by Craig Smith, then compared apologies given spontaneously, apologies given willingly after an adult prompted, and apologies given only under pressure. Children aged 4 to 9 saw a prompted-but-willing apology much like a spontaneous one: both showed remorse and helped the hurt child feel better. When 7- to 9-year-olds judged a coerced apology, they saw it as less effective at showing remorse and mending feelings.

For your child, that translates into a simple approach:

1. Help the child notice. "Look, Sasha is crying. The tower fell down."
2. Offer the words, gently. "We can say sorry." If the child is too upset, wait until they are calm.
3. Add a repair. "Sorry. Are you okay? Let's build it again." For a toddler, fixing something is often a more meaningful apology than the word.
4. Do not demand a performance. A shouted, furious "SORRY!" teaches that sorry is a way to end trouble, not to repair it.

Naming the other person's feelings in English at the same time — "She's sad. He's cross." — builds exactly the vocabulary covered in feelings in English for kids.

Excuse me, and learning to wait

"Excuse me" is often the hardest of the four jobs, because it requires waiting — and waiting is hard at three. Two ideas help.

Separate "excuse me" from "sorry" early. In English, excuse me is for getting attention or getting past someone; sorry is for a mistake. Model both clearly: "Excuse me, can I get past?" in a narrow corridor, "Oops, sorry!" when you bump into someone.

Teach a waiting signal. Many families use a simple routine: when you are talking and your child wants you, they put a hand on your arm and say "Excuse me". You place your hand over theirs to show "I know you're there", finish your sentence, then turn to them: "Thank you for waiting. What do you need?" Keep the wait very short at first — a few seconds — and always come back. The routine only works if your child learns that waiting reliably pays off.

Ten everyday moments, with the exact words

"No, thank you" deserves its own mention: a polite refusal is a genuinely useful phrase for a small child, and it is covered in depth in how to teach a toddler to say no in English.

Why this matters before an English-speaking nursery

If your child is about to start an English-speaking nursery, politeness routines are especially useful phrases to arrive with. They are short, they are used many times a day, and they are exactly the moments when a child needs something: a drink, a turn, help, the toilet.

A child who can say "Can I have water, please?" or "Toilet, please!" can get what they need on day one, even with very little other English. That is a practical safety net as much as a matter of manners. For the wider preparation, see starting nursery without English, which lists the phrases that matter most on the first day.

Six mistakes that make politeness feel like a test

1. Making food or comfort conditional on "please". Give first; model the word as you give.
2. Demanding manners in front of others. It turns a routine into a performance and embarrasses the child.
3. Forcing a furious "sorry". Wait for calm, offer the words, add a repair.
4. Only teaching please, never the request shape. "Give me, please" will stay "Give me, please" unless your child also hears "Can I have…?"
5. Asking politely from your child but not to your child. Children copy how they are spoken to.
6. Correcting "please" when the child means "you're welcome". They are translating будь ласка correctly. Model the English pair instead.

How to tell it is working

A four-week plan

By the end of four weeks, most children will not yet be using every phrase on their own. What they will have is a set of routines they have heard hundreds of times, at exactly the right moments — which is how politeness is learned in every language.

Where Mommy & Me English fits

You can do everything in this article yourself, starting at the next meal. Politeness is a perfect example of the Mommy & Me approach: the English lives inside ordinary moments — asking, handing, thanking — rather than in lessons.

The Mommy & Me English course adds structure and confidence: daily rituals for mornings, meals, walks, bath and bedtime, with the English phrases already built in and arranged so they grow with your child. It is created by Kateryna Ivanova, a Trinity College London CertTESOL and NILE-trained teacher with a background in speech therapy and primary education and nine years of teaching young children.

Start free: the starter guide gives you the first rituals and the phrases to use in them — get the free starter guide. A calm, practical way to bring English into ordinary days with your child.

Frequently asked questions

The full set is below, drawn from the questions parents in this situation actually ask.

The short version

Please and thank you are only half of English politeness. The other half is the shape of the request: English usually asks with a question, while Ukrainian comfortably uses an imperative with будь ласка. Give your child the frame "Can I have…?" early and the "Give me, please" habit is much less likely to take hold.

Teach politeness as routines, not rules. Model every phrase to your child, all day. Use the gentle echo instead of the magic-word interrogation. Never make food or comfort conditional on a word. For sorry, wait for calm, offer the words and add a repair. And remember that будь ласка is one word doing two English jobs, so "please" instead of "you're welcome" is a translation, not a mistake.

Politeness learned this way is not a performance for adults. It becomes simply the way your child speaks to people — in both languages.